Horoscopes have no scientific basis. They're printed here solely for your entertainment and amusement. But don't tell Horace.
Aries Mar 21 - April 19 What a day for a day dream! All your dreams come roaring to life! Money! Fame! Glory! unfortunately, Ed McMahan's people got your name mixed up with a person in the next city. Hey, it can happen. Your parents should have given you a middle name.
Taurus April 20 - May 20 The ole bull is in the ole china shop today. Be sure you don't leave home without extra insurance to cover damages. Otherwise, this is your luckiest day of the week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20 Someone very close has not spoken to you in decades. Each holiday you mourn this broken relationship. Now that you have a family you know how important family really is. But cheer up! This person will soon reappear in time for you to reconcile those differences you don't even recall now. And the reconciliation will be just in the nick of time. Just before that big clock in the sky chimes 13:00 for ... oops Sorry about that.
Cancer June 21 - July 22 They say, "Laugh and the world laughs WITH you." Today it's more like the world is laughing AT you as you slip on that banana peel and get that nasty pie in the face. But cheer up. It'll be Boston creme, your favorite!
Leo July 23 - Aug 22 A special person that you've never met before will be the ONE! This day will be a whirlwind. Reap! Family members are explosive. Do not fall into the same old trap. Get a carpenter to fix it. But be sure to get several estimates. And references. Don't forget references.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sept 22 Today you will find out that your favorite son is a transvestite. If you don't know what this word means, I suggest you do not look it up. You do not want to know. Trust me. But there will be an upside. The saving on the clothes you share will more than cover the expense for the therapy.