Horoscopes have no scientific basis. They're printed here solely for your entertainment and amusement. But don't tell Horace.
Libra Sept 23 - Oct 22 "No good deed goes unpunished" and "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Don't forget these words. They will protect you from a lot of grief this month.
Scorpio Oct 23 - Nov 21 Today could be the luckiest day of the year! Buy that lottery ticket! Propose to the person of your dreams! Ask for that raise! Demand that promotion! Tell your parents you're pregnant! Nothing can go wrong today because everything already has!
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21 Today you need to heed the warning: IF IT SOUNDS TOO GOOD TO BE, TRUE, IT IS! You will be so sorely tempted today. Tens find you a ten, but you find out they're really a 1 and a zero. That bowl of cherries glistens, but when you chow down you find out life is full of pits. Stay home and clean out the garage.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19 "It's not over 'til it's over," someone said. And your hot fling with that gorgeous someone is over. But do not brood. Look back and appreciate all you learned from this very special someone--to keep a six pack on hand at all times, not beer, condoms. To get a home HIV test kit and take one with your next dream boat!
Aquarius Jan. 20 - Feb. 18 People who live in glass houses shouldn't walk around naked! But that's the kinda dumb things you do most of this month. It's because Jupiter's moon is in you bicuspid. So you'll end up doing a lot of things that seemed like a good idea at the time. If you have any vacation time, I suggest you take it and veg out until at least the 24th.
Pisces Feb. 19 - Mar. 20 There's more than just one fish in the sea. And this month you get to check them out by the netfuls. Variety, variety, variety will be the spice of your life this entire month. Don't be charmed by the fifth or even the fifteenth one that comes along because they're each better 'n the next. Enjoy!